Sisyphus

Every day, you visit that same moment from your past. And every day, it hurts. Despite how much you try, you can never outrun your guilt. It will always be with you, haunting you. And you know it was all your fault. You know things could be different, better. You know you may never be forgiven, and there is nothing you can do about it. After all, it is not the first time this has happened. At this point, you are used to it. Tired of it, actually.

Every night, you see yourself stuck in the same cycle. Asking the same questions. “When did it all go wrong? What if I had done things differently? Could I? Would I? Is it too late? Am I cursed? Am I broken? Am I just doomed to be like this forever? To keep repeating the same mistakes, over and over again?” Every single question still hurts the same way they did when you first asked them. And the pain, it never gets easier. Let’s be honest, it probably never will.

Every now and then, you think to yourself “Is there even a reason to keep going? To keep struggling? To keep pushing?” It doesn’t matter how much you work to change things, to change yourself, you always end up in the same place you started from. It feels like an endless and useless labor, one you already feel completely weary of. But still, you continue.

“It serves me right” – you say to yourself – “I tried to be someone I’m not, I dared to be happy, I wished for something I’m not worthy of. Now, I’m just paying the price. I must pay it. That’s what I deserve, right?”

***

You wake up. Your phone alarm is going off. Gentle streaks of sunlight peek through a little gap in your bedroom window. It is the warm embrace of a brand new day. Full of wonders, full of possibilities. You are feeling optimistic. It has been a while since you felt like this. “Maybe today won’t be so bad after all,” you think. You start rubbing your eyes to properly wake up.

While your hands are still covering your face, reality hits you with a sudden blow. The weight of a massive boulder pressing you against your bed. You suppress a scream but it reverberates internally. You don’t want to move, your whole body hurts. You’re afraid of uncovering your face and exposing yourself to the world. The alarm is still going off, each ring like a stake piercing through your skull. The same headache that has been keeping you company for god knows how long now, shows up – worse than the day before.

You start feeling around for your phone and knock something to the floor. A genuine rage flows through your body and you finally decide to open your eyes. The sunlight immediately burns them, making you hiss like a pitiful beast. You try to get up, but your bedsheets are tied between your legs and around your body, like a giant snake ready to crush the feeble bones of its prey. You recklessly kick your way to freedom and manage to hit the snooze button with a bitter growl.

You are covered in sweat. Your breathing is heavy. You notice that your jaw is clenched like someone else’s life depended on that, but you manage to free it after enough struggle. You let out a long and painful sigh out, and lay yourself down again. You feel a knot in your throat and a dryness in your mouth. Picking up the water bottle right next to you is a herculean job you have no energy left for. The morning heat is becoming unbearable. Your bed is boiling you alive and your skin is scalding hot. Despite that, a lingering feeling of emptiness crawls from somewhere deep within your chest and spreads over your body, filling you with an irrational freezing cold. You need to hide, to protect yourself. So you shut yourself in an oven made of blankets. For a moment, you do feel safe, yet you know you are in hell.

You roll over to one side – looking for some rest before you actually have to face the day – and then again, to the other. You are overwhelmed by a constant flux of intrusive thoughts. You try flipping your pillow over. You feel the Styx’s flow in your mind; dragging with it memories of times that will never come back. You turn your pillow back over. That moment replays in your mind, again, and again, and again. You roll over and let your face drown in the pillow for a while. The shame you feel is nerve-racking. You roll over once more, staring at the ceiling now. You feel yourself stuck in an insufferable loop. You desperately try covering your ears with the pillow, hoping that it will make it all stop, or at least keep you from hearing everything you regret saying. It does not, of course. You feel a sorrowful scream forming in your core, all your muscles tighten. Just as you are about to shout, your alarm goes off again.

So you just stop. You stop everything, you stop yourself. You swallow your feelings, take a deep breath, force a big smile onto your face, and finally get up from that battlefield of a bed you have slept on. You drink some water from the bottle right next to you. It is already too warm because of the morning heat, and it does not refresh you at all, but it is still the nectar from the gods you have longed for. You proudly march to the bathroom and look at yourself in the mirror. Your smile instantly fades away. You look at the two lightless voids on your face and they begin to tear up. Your proud posture soon crumbles. Reality's burden makes you shrink on yourself.

An aggressive and unasked for slap hits your face. You turn on the sink, take another deep breath, and put your head down into the running cold water. You dry your face and take a quick peek in the mirror. You manage to hold back the tears. “It does get easier” – you think to yourself – “but I gotta do it every day.” You take yet another deep breath, gather some courage, and stare into your own eyes again. “Maybe today won’t be so bad after all” – you say out loud, and this time you mean it. You keep looking at your face and you see it beginning to take shape. Yes, it is smaller, but it is also more honest. And, most importantly, it is still there. You smile.